There’s a house on a busy road. The same owner has lived there since the day it was built. Over the years the environment and surroundings have taken its toll on the exterior of the house but everytime a crack appears in the brickwork the owner is quick to fill it in, cover it up and give it a fresh lick of paint.
The house to the outside eye is in great condition but when you step through the front door the house is a mess. Imagine a hoarders house, clutter and mess everywhere, the majority of stuff is broke and the owner doesn’t know how to fix them but they hold onto them because they don’t know how or they haven’t got the strength to throw them away. People have entered the house in the past, they have broken things, they have stolen things which cannot be replaced, they have brought joy and also sadness.
There are people, that the owner knows, that can help. They can fix the broken things or help clear the mess and throw things away but the owner is too proud to ask. No one ever sees the interior of the house as the owner never opens the curtains or lets anyone in. From the outside, all seems well so people just carry on with their day to day lives.
A rubbish analogy I know but one I feel represents hundreds of thousands of people suffering with some form of mental health illness or other psychological pain every day. They wear a smile that’s forced (most of the time). They get on with their normal day to day lives and when they’re having a bad day if someone asks “Are you ok?” they reply instantly with “Yeah I’m ok”.
Like the inside of the hoarders' house, having a mental health illness isn’t something that’s visible to the outsider. You don’t wear it like a badge, people can’t see the black cloud that looms over you, people can’t see the battle you have every single day just to function or get through the day. Every aspect of your life can seem good to the outsider and as a matter of fact, that may be true but the root cause can be something that’s happened weeks, months even years in the past. I know this because I have suffered with my mental health in the past and there are times that I do still struggle and I’m not afraid to admit that.
At the age of 21, I was involved in a fight, whilst playing in a rugby match for Warrington Wizards, which ended in the other person going to the police and pressing charges. Long story short, it was transferred from Blackburn magistrates to Preston Crown Court where I was due to stand trial after pleading not guilty. In my last hearing before the trial, I changed my plea to guilty. I’ll be honest, having never been in trouble with the police prior to this I was shitting myself at the thought of going to prison! He had 8 witness accounts whereas I only had 3 people offer up so to avoid prison I pleaded guilty to the referee's version of events (he was impartial). I was charged with section 20 assault, given a 20-week sentence (suspended for 18 months), 150 hours community service and ordered to pay £500 compensation.
The stress of this whole incident made me lose my job and afterwards with a criminal record I struggled to even get a response to a job application let alone an actual job. I was heavily depressed, I felt like a burden to my family and close friends, I had a girlfriend at the time but that ended, and I hit rock bottom. I felt so alone, I felt worthless and I couldn’t see any way back so I attempted to end my life! It’s crazy because it actually seemed the logical thing at that moment. LUCKILY I was interrupted/saved and it could have all been so different. I had an hour long panic attack and it changed my whole perspective on everything. I know the incident was a massive factor but when I look back I have realised that other things throughout my life contributed to that moment but they were never addressed just left to build up. It’s kind of like a kettle, if you don’t allow the steam to release eventually it’s going to blow.
Funnily enough after that I eventually ended up in prison. I breached my community service because I was working. I had a letter from the employer to prove that but the judge gave me no leeway and activated my suspended sentence. I was in a much better place mentally and served my time with no hiccups. Upon release, I was determined more than ever to succeed, to prove people wrong, to be positive and get back on that employment ladder. I asked for help, I asked for support and I asked for a few favours. My friends were great and I am truly grateful for every one of them that helped me along the way.
From that moment to now things couldn’t be any better! I have a great wife, 2 beautiful children, I work full time, I have a loving and supportive family and a really great group of close friends. Life is good and for the most part, it always has been. At my lowest, I never thought I’d be where I am today but I am. There is ALWAYS a reason to go on, ALWAYS find your reason!
Today there are still some days when I wake up and feel down for no apparent reason, sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed or leave the house but that’s ok. You’re allowed days like that and every day isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows but when you feel like that don’t ignore it, acknowledge it and take the day as it comes. There are other days when I feel fantastic, I reflect and feel really good about my life. I am a strong believer in fate and don’t regret anything that’s happened.
I don’t want this to be overloaded so to finish I’ll share what helped me. If it can help 1 person in any way then writing this has been worthwhile.
1, TALKING - Talking to people about how I felt/feel has been my best form of therapy. I find it easier to talk to strangers/professionals than I do to those people close to me. I don’t know why but I always fear the judgement from people that know me. Whether you speak to those close to you or complete strangers it will help massively. There is a lot more awareness now and loads of organisations that can help. Don’t be too proud to ask for it. Remember the kettle and how important it is to release the steam!
2, GOALS - In my recovery I set myself goals. Make sure you set goals that are achievable and set a particular time frame you want to achieve them in. Having goals gives you something to focus your energy on and when you achieve them it gives you a huge sense of satisfaction. They can be as big or as small as you want just make sure you set them for yourself and not to please others.
3, PEOPLE - Surrounding myself with the right people has been huge. People that you know you can rely on, people that you can trust, people that love you for who you are not someone you are trying to be. It may be 1 person, it may be 5 but exclude any negativity from your life as you don’t need it.
4, LOVE YOURSELF - Yes there may be parts of yourself you don’t like, whether that be physical or mental, you may not like some parts of your life or all of them but the most important thing is to love yourself. I don’t mean in a vain way but focus on your achievements, focus on the great things you’ve done throughout your life, the people you have helped, the GOALS that you have achieved no matter how small. Try to get rid of all negativity you have towards yourself. At the end of the day, you have the power to change what you don’t like and sometimes there is only you that can help yourself.
You can’t always please everyone and you will only fail if you try to. These days social media makes people feel they need to be perfect, too many people give off the impression that they have the perfect life when deep down that isn’t always true. Don’t follow that trend, it’s ok not to be ok, nobody is perfect and the more you try to look like you are you’ll only be worse off over time. Focus on the things that really matter to you, put yourself first, don’t intentionally try to upset or hurt people but if that happens as a byproduct of you doing what's right for you then that’s a small price to pay.
At the end of the day, we only get one life… LOVE IT, LIVE IT
xxx
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